TV REVIEW: 'Penny Dreadful' is Just Regular Dreadful -- The 5 Most Disappointing Things About the New Showtime Series

I can't remember the last time a new series had me as excited as Penny Dreadful did. A macabre TV show set in late Victorian London and filled with characters inspired by so-called "penny dreadfuls," or popular horror fiction of the day? Yes please! That sounds great! Or so I thought until I watched the first episode.

Here are the five things that most disappointed me about the first episode of Penny Dreadful:


1. It's not really British. 

Though it's billed as a joint venture with Sky, it's basically a Showtime project. That alone is not enough to discredit it--after all, Showtime is responsible for shows like Nurse Jackie and Dexter...though the latter went on about three seasons longer than it should have--but it's enough to make me nervous. They may overdo it, try too hard, and make it entirely too glossy and American to fully capture the creepiness I was hoping for. If the first episode is any indication, that's exactly what they did.


2. The opening credits.

 Oh they tried, didn't they? They tried so hard to make their opening as creepy and ghoulish as first season American Horror Story, what with its barrage of unsettling images. But the series of gratuitous grossness is undercut by the flat instrumental music and in the end it just seems desperate.


3. Josh Hartnett. 

Seriously, has Josh Hartnett ever been in anything that wouldn't have been made better by his absence? It's a controversial opinion, I know, but I stand by it. His squinty, pubic hair face, perpetually greasy hair and charmless mumble are just the worst. Ugh. I wish I could go back in time and re-cast everything he's ever done with someone else (Ooh, maybe Jason Momoa. Yum.).


4. Eva Green's accent. 

Congratulations, French actress Eva Green! Years of English lessons have allowed you to perfectly capture the sound of an American actress pretending to be British. It's something, at least. Maybe you can make up for it with a judicious use of your Super Serious Face. When in doubt, pout.


5. Everything else.

By that I mean they threw EVERYTHING in there. Monsters! Vampires! Underworld! Spiders! Resurrection Men! Carnivals! Plus fifty more things! It's just...ugh. Too many ideas, not enough plot. And while American Horror Story has handled this masterfully (particularly in Season One), Penny Dreadful (so far) has not.


The one bright spot? Timothy Dalton.

 He's eminently watchable as a charming villain, or a villainous hero, or whatever variation of that role he happens to be in. In the DVD commentary of the movie Hot Fuzz, Edgar Wright and Simon Pegg say "Timothy Dalton looks like a cartoon fox." Indeed.


Final verdict? I just can't. 

I may, however, check out the show's Goodreads Book Club, which encourages viewers to read the books that inspired the series. So far they've only added three books though. That might be another bad sign.

TV REVIEW: I just started watching 'Vera' and I'm noticing a pattern...

I started watching the British detective show 'Vera,' based on the Detective Chief Inspector Vera Stanhope novels by Ann Cleeves. I'd been avoiding it, but if there's a British detective show on TV sooner or later I'm going to watch it. It's not bad, but I'm noticing some trends. Here are some things you can rely on in every episode:

• The cold open will involve a murder, even though it will often look a little like an accident or a suicide.

• Brenda Blethyn (as Vera) will use her "almost crying vibrato" voice, which is probably the most annoying sound on the planet (I'm exaggerating, but I still haven't forgiven her for that Law & Order: SVU episode where she played Linnie Malcolm, the woman with the world's most irritating whine).

• There will be a second murder. Count on it.

• After a series of red herrings, the "real" answer will be something hidden deep in the victim's past, and will invariably involve someone they were supposed to trust. This makes it pointless to try to guess the ending too early.

• Some small detail will cause Vera or her crew to have an "aha" moment, which will result in a mad dash to confront the killer "before it's too late."

• I will lose track of what they're talking about--and cease to care--somewhere around the 1-hour mark, but will keep watching because it's a lovely, cozy atmosphere. Still, at an hour and half without commercials, each episode is loooooong.

I haven't read any of Ann Cleeves' novels, but after watching 'Vera' and the other show based on her stories, 'Shetland' (which is even better!), maybe I should. She seems like she's kind of the grittier M.C. Beaton. She even has one series with a Scottish male police officer in the Highlands (or Sheltand islands) and one with a middle aged female detective in England. Sound familiar?